Faux Friendship

Faux Friendship In High Demand. Genuine Friendship--Obsolete

By Jasmine Alexis C.
 

According to William Deresiewicz, Social media has significantly eroded the true meaning of friendship. Today, we easily "friend" one another while surfing the net, whereas, in early civilization, friendship was not only earned, but  taken very seriously. Thus, Deresiewicz is correct in his assessment of the contemporary model for friendship.

For instance, Deresiewicz discusses David and Jonathan’s friendship using scpriptural references (1 Samuel 18:1-3): “The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul,” and “Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.” Accordingly, David and Jonathan shared a deep soul tie that bound them together, despite differences, character flaws, or disagreements. This is one of the first mentions of friendship in the Bible. According to these scriptures, friendship is based on love. Love, as 1 Corinthians 13:4 describes it, is patient, kind, is not envious, and does not boast. It is not self-seeking, and it always trusts. Compare friendships today with this definition and one can easily see that if friendships are supposed to be based on love, then friendships do not really exist today. Technology has made us impatient and kindness is not all that common these days. People tend to boast on social networks—describing their accomplishments, posting photos of themselves on vacation or doing fun things to imply that they have such a wonderful life. Some people even post a great deal of pictures of themselves when they find themselves attractive in order to gain numerous “likes.” Facebook is for the attention-seeking, which in biblical terms can be called “self-seeking.” Deresiewicz hits the nail on the head when he states, “Modernity believes in self-expression” (150). There is a lot of emphasis on “self” in modern society, which makes [genuine] friendship hard to develop.

Deresiewicz asserts that friendship as we know it in modern society, has become more of a feeling versus a relationship (152). Relationships are two people coming together as one to pursue a common goal. It is a bond, and that bond is supposed to be held together through thick and thin. However, today people change friends as often as they change clothes. Facebook romantic relationships often end fast as well. One day someone is in a relationship, and the next day that person is single. A month later, that same person is in a relationship with another person, and the saga continues. People are seeking feelings instead of pure companionship. People want to feel good about themselves. Having someone else like (and “like”) them makes them feel good about themselves. Getting attention from numerous people because of their new relationship announced on Facebook, or because of their new photo, boosts their self-esteem and ego. The focus does not reflect friendship, which is what Facebook is supposed to represent— connecting with friends—instead, the focus reflects “Self” and Self’s egotistical needs.

Finally, Deresiewicz claims that friendship has evolved from offering “moral advice and correction” to, now, offering “nonjudgmental” and “unconditional” acceptance and support (150). While I do believe that friendships should offer unconditional acceptance, since it should be based off love, which is unconditional, I do agree, however, that people do not give sound moral advice anymore because of the fear of offending the “friend.” True friends do not get offended when corrected, because they trust their friend and know that the common goal is growth—together. Therefore, they should take the friend’s advice into consideration. I have noticed that people are too afraid these days. It is as if everyone is walking on eggshells because no one wants to say the wrong thing. If a person has to question whether it is wrong to address their friend regarding a certain immoral behavior, then maybe the two aren’t really friends. That does not give people the license to be mean to their friends, but people should be able to communicate fearlessly and genuinely with their friends. But like Deresiewicz stated, “We want our friendships fun and friction-free.” (Please, do not confuse “friction” with “drama,” though I’ve noticed modern society thrives off that). True friendship has friction. If everything is smooth and delightful all the time, then question the friendship. The proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17). Friendship consists of friction, because that friction is what shapes each other into two mature, wholesome people.

Will you be my friend? William Deresiewicz doesn't want you to be.

A rebuttal by Jason G.

In his essay entitled “Faux Friendship,” Dr. Deresiewicz not only has the audacity to have a hard-to-spell-last-name, but also feels he is justified in marginalizing people's friendships. I couldn't disagree with him more. His writing obviously draws from a lifetime of privilege, social ease and popularity. He was educated in a famous Ivy League school and makes his living passing judgement on the rest of us. He is proposing that unless you have the time and self esteem to forge intense platonic relationships with others, you don't actually have friends. 

How dare you sir?

If a 16 year old is too meek to muster the courage to talk with people face-to-face, outlets like Facebook give them an avenue to help build the nerve to interact with these people in person. Either Dr. Deresiewicz never had an awkward moment as an adolescent or is too old to remember ever being paralyzed by the thought of having to speak to some random individual.

While many so called “friends” on Facebook are nothing more than place holders for personal relationships, Facebook has become the gateway to real interactions for many socially awkward people. Discounting the quality of friendships for an entire group of anything-is-better-than-being-aloners shows how out of touch this “educated” man really is. Of course we all would love having the time and opportunity to spend countless hours forging best friendships all day, but (unlike Dr. Deresiewicz) the rest of us have jobs and personality disorders to tend to instead. In brief, Social networking websites, among other things, allow us to remain in contact with our past and present friends and we shouldn't be made to believe that our modern relationships are any less genuine than, say, Jonathan or David's friendship.